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April 1, 2008
The Lighter Side of Engineering
Nonsense seems to have become the official language of business. Here is a sampling of Dilbertisms and how conversations between engineers and their coworkers are often lost in translation.
Dilbertisms
A while back, a magazine ran a Dilbert quotes contest asking for real internal-company quotes that, we think, shed some light on what is meant by the workplace maxim we've all come to know as an absolute truth: "Dilbert is a documentary."
These were some of the replies (via FrontierNet.net):
• "What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter." (Shipping firm)
• "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, multinational manufacturing conglomerate corporation)
• "One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!'" (New business manager, greeting-card manufacturer)
• "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, electric boat company)
• "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (Computer technology corporation)
What They Say vs. What They Mean
There are terms and phrases that new employees should understand before taking co-workers' comments seriously. A few of the top Engineer's Terms and Expressions (via Ahajokes.com) explain what co-workers say versus what they mean:
• Years of development. (One finally worked.)
• All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
• Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off)
• No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
• A number of different approaches are being tried. (We are still guessing at this point.)
• It is in process. (It is wrapped in so much red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
• We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
• What's your interpretation? (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
• We are following the standard. (That's the way we have always done it.)
• Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable … it actually worked!)
He's Got "The Knack"
As a child, he took apart the TV and made a ham radio. Will he be normal?
A few more Dilbertisms, from All Great Quotes:
• "Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems."
• "Consultants have credibility because they are not dumb enough to work at your company."
• "An optimist is simply a pessimist with no job experience."
• "Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue."
• "Technical people respond to questions in three ways: It is technically impossible (meaning: I don't feel like doing it); It depends (meaning: abandon all hope of a useful answer); the data bits are flexed through a collectimizer which strips the flow-gate arrays into virtual message elements (meaning: I don't know)."
• "Change is good. You go first."
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8 CommentsOther engineering things that I found amusing over the years:
"Elephant - a mouse built to Government specifications"
"If it ain't broke, you ain't trying" (Red Green Show)
"If the women don't find you handsome, let them at least find you Handy!" (Red Green Show)
And last, but not least, this little poem:
"I'm not allowed to run the train
The whistle I can't blow
I'm not allowed to tell how far
The train's allowed to go
I'm not allowed to blow off steam
Or even clang the bell
But, let the damned thing jump the tracks
And see who catches Hell!"
"We can't do that because it's never been done before."
"It's unfair to use statistics to win an argument."
"It's better than level."
"We don't re-visit old products."
"Let's throw it over the wall to see if it sells."
April 1, 2008 3:44 PMHILARIOUS or however you spell it. Dilbert is one of my comic strips and not because I work in and negineering company but because it is strangely enough true to life.
I hope that the writer/writers of the strip get a big bonus at the end of the year or quarterly.
Tony
April 23, 2008 2:46 PMMy favorites
If it aint broke don't fix it.
Don't take the time to fix it, just make it work.
You did it just like a told you? You should have known that would not work.
R L Saling
April 23, 2008 3:09 PMQue. What is the problem? We've sold thousands of these Control Systems before.
Answ. What job do you want us to change the title block on?
A building is a building, right?
One control system fits all, right?
It doesn't have to be right, I just want it NOW!
Why carry any stock? We can always over-night it anyway.
I came in a half hour early so I will leave one and a half hours early to make up for it.
You are making promises for me I cannot keep.
Don't ask me when I can have the job done and then keep interupting me so I can't make the deadline.
April 23, 2008 3:30 PMI once had someone ask me to make an instrument 'exactly like the one we have. Don't change anything.'
I asked 'what's wrong with the one we have'. 'It doesn't work', I was told. 'Well then we can fix it' said I. 'No it's never worked; it's a bad design and can't work'.
'Well, if I make the new one exactly like the old one, it won't work exactly the same way for exactly the same reasons'. A small light dawned on his face.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
April 23, 2008 5:59 PMThe following are perfectly true, at least in my case. Fortunately, my prof. taught me one professional lesson for life when I was still a co-op student: 'Always do it right the first time because if you just follow what they say, you would be the engineer who designed a system that doesn't work'.
(1) Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, multinational manufacturing conglomerate corporation)
(2) One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, 'If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!' (New business manager, greeting-card manufacturer)
April 23, 2008 6:31 PMWelcome to the Engineering Hot Line.
We are presently trying to get some work done and are not answering the phones. Please choose from the following options:
Press 1 if you would like blame engineering.
Press 2 if you would like us to lie about deadlines.
Press 3 if you are to lazy to do your job and want us to do it for you.
Press 4 if you would like us to attend another boring meeting.
Press 5 if you have an impossible application that you want us sued for later.
Press 6 if you have totally screwed up and we are your last remaining hope.
Press 7 if you have a non-engineering problem but you want us to look into it anyway.
Press 8 if you need all of the previous options.
Press 9 if you want advise from someone who knows nothing about engineering applications, but sounds good doing it.
Otherwise, thank you, and have a nice day.
April 26, 2008 3:03 PM
