Well, This Was Totally Necessary.
A new study confirms the unbelievable: Reading is key to college success.

Reported the Associated Press:

One major factor separates high school graduates who are ready for college from those who aren't, a new study shows: how well students handle complex reading.

Yup. Reading helps you pass college. Now you know.

Will the Caddy Have a Spacesuit?
A Russian cosmonaut headed for the International Space Station plans to hit a golf ball into the Earth's orbit while on spacewalk. The "record-breaking drive," reported The Register, "is raising eyebrows all round, with some experts warning of a 'catastrophic' mishap."

The ball will stay in orbit for three to four years, adding to the station's space debris threat.

According to JC Liou, a "worried NASA man," an impact from a golf ball traveling at 10km per second would be the equivalent of a six-and-a-half-ton truck at 100km per hour.

(Photo courtesy of Gnurf.net)

Speaking of extreme sports…

Because These Players Aren't Yet Overpaid and Underperforming…
The Cool Hunter earlier this week enlightened sports enthusiasts to "zorbing," which involves jumping inside a giant inflatable bubble (i.e., the Zorb) and letting gravity do the rest. Usually set in an open space with a slight decline or on water, Zorbing is "the ultimate adrenaline rush."

Devised by inventors and extreme sports enthusiasts Andrew Akers and Dwane Van der Sluis, the "sport," according to Zorb Limited, is:

Where all your dreams are realized (as long as you dream of rolling down a hill inside a giant plastic ball).

Where New Zealand once again leads the world in stupid things to do while you're not thinking about work.

We're not kidding. Check out the video.

[sigh] It's so rare nowadays to find athletes playing for the love of the game…

(Photo via The Cool Hunter)

Hunt for 'Professional' Burglar Leads Police to Prepubescent Girl
Bosnian police who have been hunting a "professional" burglar have discovered she's an 11-year-old schoolgirl, according to Independent Online.

The young girl is said to have been sneaking out at night to raid local homes after her parents went to bed.

She was apprehended finally after being identified on a security camera as she picked the locks and opened the cash register of a local 'chemist' and then identified when her picture was published in a local newspaper.

In some of her outings, she snagged Hello Kitty hair crimpers, a mini tea set and rainbow lollipops jewelry, cash and cell phones.

Air Guitar: The Rockin'ness That Can Bring Peace...
All of us under a certain age have done it: Close your eyes, raise one arm while the other arm's hand reaches down to your side at belt level, and curl your fingers around the guitar that only you can see. If it isn't us doing it -- in the privacy of our own quarters -- then you are our favorite person in the bar. You embrace your love of music, in public, uncaring of others' thoughts, and you procede to totally rip on that solo.

The national champions-determining 2006 U.S. Air Guitar Regional Heats kicked off here in New York Yawk Rock City last night.

Why the invisivible ax? Well, besides the obvious awesomeness of it, and according to the official U.S. Air Guitar story:

Whatever the reason, air guitar is so ingrained in the fabric of American life that it has become an almost instinctual response. Play the right riff and for many of us, air guitar simply happens. In a time when US military and economic leadership faces unprecedented criticism around the world, it is our belief that air guitar represents the one field of human endeavor that our country can dominate without controversy.

True. True.

Regional competitions will be held in at least 10 cities nationwide. One winner from each regional will be flown to New York City in June 2006 to compete for the title of U.S. Air Guitar Champion. The winner of the U.S. Finals will win a trip to Finland to represent the USA in the 11th annual Air Guitar World Championships. U.S. Air Guitar is an official member of the World Air Guitar Association and each year sends the U.S. Air Guitar Champion to compete for the world title in Oulu, Finland.

Go, Team USA!

Speaking of sociologically significant pop culture...

Doh! Americans Stupid to First Amendment, Savvy to 'The Simpsons'
According to a recent poll (via BBC) Americans know more about the TV show The Simpsons than the U.S. Constitution's First Amendment.

The telephone survey of 1,000 random adults found only one in four could name more than one of the five freedoms yet more than half could name at least two members of the cartoon family. Further, while 22 percent of Americans could name all five Simpson characters, only one in 1,000 people could name all five First Amendment freedoms (speech, press, petition, assembly and religion).

About one in five idiots respondents thought the right to own a pet was one of the freedoms.

I'm moving to Canada (...or Springfield).

When J.D. Simply Isn't Lethal Enough…
A Scottish distillery on Monday said it was reviving a centuries-old recipe for whisky so strong that it once was purported to be deadly if more than two spoonfulls were consumed, reported the Associated Press.

Whereas whisky usually is distilled twice and has an alcohol content of between 40 percent and 63.5 percent, the Bruichladdich distillery on the Isle of Islay, off Scotland's west coast, is producing the quadruple-distilled 184-proof — or 92 percent alcohol — spirit, according to managing director Mark Reynier, "purely for fun."

Bruichladdich is using a recipe for a spirit known in the Gaelic language as usquebaugh-baul, "perilous water of life." In 1695, the unfortunately-named travel writer Martin Martin described it this way: "Two spoonfuls of this last liquor is a sufficient dose; if any man should exceed this, it would presently stop his breath, and endanger his life."

Suicidal whisky connoisseurs will have to wait, however, as the spirit will not be ready for at least 10 years. In the meantime, customers will be able to watch the whisky's progress on the distillery's Web cams.

Stealth Spies with Nasty, Big, Pointy Teeth
No, these are not the Python boys' killer rabbits. These stealth spies, in fact, reside under the sea.

The Pentagon reportedly is funding research into neural implants with the ultimate hope of turning sharks into "stealth spies" capable of gliding undetected through the ocean. According to New Scientist (via BREITBART.com), the research builds on experimental work to control animals by implanting tiny electrodes in their brain, which are then stimulated to induce a behavioral response.

"The Pentagon hopes to exploit sharks' natural ability to glide quietly through the water, sense delicate electrical gradients and follow chemical trails," says the report, carried in next Saturday's New Scientist. "By remotely guiding the sharks' movements they hope to transform the animals into stealth spies, perhaps capable of following vessels without being spotted."

The project is being funded by DARPA.

Yeeeah…I friggin' hate sharks.

(Photo via PBS, NOVA)

Stupid Lipogram!
Here is a story of more than 50,000 words — without using the letter "E"…

Why?

According to the writer, the story was written "not through any attempt to attain literary merit," but rather for the guy to prove he could do it…or, simply for the hell of writing a story of more than 50,000 words without using the letter "E."

I want my time back.

That is, Quite Simply, Wrong.
According to The Guardian on Tuesday:

Two vets and a pharmacist were among 24 people arrested by police in Naples yesterday over claims that they fed Viagra to horses running in illegal races to make them go faster.

We offer no witty response. It's too easy.

(Photo via Frank Niemeir)

Hospital to One of 25 Employees: 'Urine a Lot of Trouble.' DNA Tests to Come.
A Baton Rouge hospital, hoping to determine the peepetrator of an office prank, is ordering 25 employees to undergo DNA testing or be terminated.

Leaders at the hospital say a man who works in Building Operations returned from several weeks off to find that "someone had placed urine in his toolbox." (The key word here, thankfully, is "placed.")

After hearing of the incident, hospital administrators sent a memo to 25 employees telling them that DNA testing would be done unless someone came forward admitting guilt.

As no one came forward, the hospital said the DNA testing will begin within the next few weeks.

You know, this probably wouldn't be that big of a deal if the Building Operations guy had one of these.


Cheers.