According to an article in the print issue of the March 2005 edition of Wired magazine (coming to their website tomorrow; a link will be posted here when available), "In 2002, American Standard had zero PhDs at its R&D center; now it has seven. At Kohler, toilet research includes two former aerospace engineers. Who says this isn't rocket science?"

Featured prominently in the article is the Neorest 600, the high-tech, $5,000 john of the A-List, including Brat Pitt, Jennifer Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Charlie Sheen, and Will Smith. While I really don't think these folks are looking at engineering specs, they're interesting nonetheless: sensors that adjust water volume according to, well, you know; computer-modeled design, a wireless remote control panel, 512K of RAM, 16-bit processor, presence detectors that trigger elements to raise the lid as you approach, and an array of valves to let the unit do more with less water. Other niceties include both rear (no pun intended) and front warm-water washing (the Europeans have always had it right), warm air drying, heated seat, and a catalytic deodorizer. Of course, it saves water. My only complaint: For five large, why is it not available in anything but white or beige?

Another model called the Well U II scans, um…yeah, that…for blood sugar levels to help those with diabetes, and automatically sends data to a medical technician via e-mail. Helping the sick is certainly a noble cause. My Inner Orwell, however, wonders about the abuses of such sensing. It's not a stretch to imagine what can be monitored, and data that can then be flushed into databases of the future. Think employers, lawyers, healthcare providers, even law enforcement. Far too many Orwellian 'conveniences' and things that are 'good for us' are appearing around us. Or is it just me?

On a lighter note, Wired and the article's writer, Daniel McGinn, have been nominated for the I Can't Believe They Said That in Mainstream Media award, with "Every advance—both incremental and excremental—will take years to filter down to the masses' asses." Great stuff.

The Neorest is designed and manufactured by a Japanese firm, Toto, who also maintains a U.S. presence and website.

I'm going to go into the bathroom now, close the door behind me, and laugh hysterically at things unspoken.