…and the always-popular (and purportedly updated) You Know You Might Be An Engineer If list.

People are interested in birds only inasmuch as they exhibit human behavior—greed and stupidity and anger — and by doing so free us from the unique sorrow of being human. —Douglas Copeland

Our first bird story of the week comes from Times Newspapers, Inc. Chris Taylor’s suspicions were piqued one romantic evening when he cuddled up with his girlfriend, Suzy Collins. His best friend, also in the room — Taylor’s friend Ziggy, an African Grey parrot — proclaimed, “I love you, Gary.” While the proclamation was damning enough, Ziggy’s voice was in the tone of Ms. Collins. Whoops. Collins admitted her fling with a man named Gary, saying, “‘I’m not proud of what I did but I’m sure Chris would be the first to admit we were having problems. We had spoken about splitting up several times and I think it was inevitable.’ She added: ‘I’m surprised to hear he’s got rid of that bloody bird; he spent more time talking to it than he did to me. I couldn’t stand Ziggy, and it looks now the feeling was mutual.’ Taylor’s perspective was a bit different. ‘Ziggy was one in a million; he was a loyal friend, and I have no doubt he was looking out for me,’ Mr Taylor said. Taylor could bear the constant repetition of phrases such as, ‘I love you, Gary,’ and, unfortunately, had to let go of Ziggy, who’s found a new home. I’m not sure Ziggy was out to protect him. It might’ve been revenge for having taught the bird — named after David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust character — to dance while it sang: ‘Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.”‘ Hmm.

In another bird story, this one from Williamsport, PA, Sunshine, a blue and gold macaw hybrid, attacked a burglar who broke into its owners apartment. Bite and blood marks helped police identify a suspect, Michael Deeter, who was later arraigned on charges of burglary, criminal trespass, theft, and criminal mischief — and taken to the county jail in lieu of $25,000 bail.

Widget, my small, emergency backup parrot, once clamped down on one of my fingers and created a bloody scene worthy of A Nightmare on Elm Street. Hey, I didn’t know she was going into Mothering Mode. Deeter’s probably safer in the hoosegow.

I think that cars today are almost the exact equivalent of the great Gothic cathedrals: I mean the supreme creation of an era, conceived with passion by unknown artists, and consumed in image if not in usage by a whole population which appropriates them as a purely magical object. —Roland Barthes

After 37 years, 63-year-old Alan Poster is getting his stolen ’68 ‘Vette back. “(It was) probably the only car I’ve ever really loved,” Alan Poster told the New York Times. (The article is available here at CNN.) He bought the classic-to-be in late ’68 as an indulgence after his divorce. The car was stolen a few months later from a Manhattan garage. A detective involved in the recovery said, “It was the equivalent of finding a needle in a haystack.” As the story goes, the car — which had never been registered — at some point came into the hands of a collector in Long Beach, CA. It was about to be shipped to a buyer in Sweden when a Custom’s agent ran the VIN and discovered it had been stolen in New York in 1969. “It’s not getting away from me again,” Poster told the New York Post. “They’re going to have to kill me to get this car.” That’s a heartwarming story, but love? C’mon. It’s only a small-block. Now, an L88 or 427 with trips — now that’s the stuff of which love and dreams are made.

In a not-so-heartwarming car story, some little-brain in Ohio buried his 1997 Beemer on his father’s property, according to Progressive Insurance, to report the car stolen and collect the insurance money. Instead, the owner, Matthew Mueller, must repay $20,000 to the insurance company and also reimburse more than $15,000 in costs to authorities who had to unearth the BMW.

Most people sell their souls, and live with a good conscience on the proceeds. —Logan Pearsall Smith

…which leads us to today’s eBay Find of the Week.

There are several worthy candidates this week, including…

• A “Creepy Cane Haunted w/Ghost,” about which the seller says “It’s either this ghost didn’t like coming to california or is mad at his granddaughter for shipping him here.. heck who knows. But it’s gotta go. I need peace or I am gonna have a mental breakdown from all the faces that keep appearing on the cane, daily.” Methinks the seller is a bit spookier than the Creepy Cane.

• Here’s an item that everyone needs on their mantle: a “Haunted Mexican Aztec-Style Clay Flute.” I’m not sure whether I should be laughing hysterically or feeling sorry for the person. “From the time I obtained it, and for almost 30 years afterward, my life improved. Unfortunately, I damaged it in a move two years ago, and my life has steadily gone downhill. I have gone from being debt-free to being nearly destitute. Initially, only one piece had broken off, that being the right side of the headdress. I tried to reattach that with ceramic glue, and as I was doing so, the scythe fell out of the figure’s hand without my even touching it! My second attempt to put it back together resulted in more pieces falling off for no apparent reason. The figure is actually a flute, and plays four notes.” I think I’ll stick with hysterical laughter, just keep the haunted flute away.

• No, haunted objects are not a theme. On a lighter note, you can bid on otherworldly property — on either the Moon or Mars — getting a jump on the commuter crowd once the shuttles are running.

The winner of eBay Find of the Week, however, just has to go to this propeller beanie. I mean, how often do you see a propeller beanie? Hasn’t everyone always secretly wanted to experience the sheer, innocent joy of just twirling the prop? No? It’s just me, then? I hate when that happens.

No man who has once heartily and wholly laughed can be altogether irreclaimably bad. —Thomas Carlyle

You might be an engineer if (available in its original form here)…

• …you have no life and can prove it mathematically.
• …you enjoy pain.
• …you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
• …you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
• …you’ve actually ever used every single function on your graphing calculator.
• …when you look in the mirror, you see an engineering major.
• …it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
• …you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
• …you always do homework on Friday nights.
• …you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
• …you think in “math.”
• …you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
• …you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
• …you have a pet named after a scientist.
• …you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
• …the Humane Society has had you arrested because you actually performed the Schroedinger’s Cat Experiment.
• …you can translate English into Binary.
• …you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
• …you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
• …you are completely addicted to caffeine.
• …you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
• …you consider any non-science course “easy.”
• …when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
• …the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
• …you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier
• …you understood more than five of these indicators.
• …you make a hard copy of this list and post it on your office door.
• …you think it might be a neat idea to send this message to all of your friends in the form of email.
• …you know the glass is neither half full nor half empty; it’s simply twice as big as it needs to be.

Enjoy your weekend…

p.s. Legal Stuff regarding the above quotations:

Microsoft® Bookshelf® 1987-1999 Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.

The Columbia Dictionary of Quotations is licensed from Columbia University Press. Copyright © 1993, 1995, 1997, 1998 by Columbia University Press. All rights reserved.