…and much, much more in this week’s edition of As the World Turns (Off Its Axis). Hey, I don’t make this stuff up. I’m simply a communication conduit.

CIA Mistakenly Ruins Decades-Worth of Documents

According to this article from The Onion, “America’s Finest News Source,” the CIA recently released a report revealing that the agency — since its inception in 1947 — has mistakenly used black highlighters, also known as “permanent markers,” on “hundreds of thousands of pages of critical intelligence information.” ‘”Why did it go on for this long, and this far?” said [CIA Director] Goss in a press conference called shortly after the report’s release. “I’m as frustrated as anyone. You can’t read a single thing that’s been highlighted. Had I been there to advise [former CIA director] Allen Dulles, I would have suggested the traditional yellow color — or pink.” Goss added: “There was probably some really, really important information in these documents.”‘ That’s just way too amusing for further comment.

So, a Physicist, a Mathematician, and an Engineer…

…were out in the woods on a scouting expedition when — all of a sudden — something darted through the brush.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer. Therefore, it was a deer.

Can Machines Really Replace People?

Also from The Onion is an interesting guest editorial by Mr. Lee Canale. He laments, perhaps accurately, that “the working man never knows how long it will be before he is replaced by a machine.” Canale continues, “You can build a machine to replicate the same repetitive motions we perform five backbreaking days a week, but all the engineers in the world cannot build a machine that will repeatedly bang its head on a locker, silent tears streaming down its metal cheeks, as it contemplates its wasted life.” Oh, I dunno, Lee. Engineers are capable of pretty much anything. Canale poses the question, “A machine can break down mechanically, but can it break down emotionally, mentally, and spiritually?” Read the next item, Mr. Canale. The answer is clearly “Yes.”

eBay Find of the Week

In this new, Industrial Market Trends exclusive, we’ll bring you with each Light Friday the eBay Find of the Week. What exactly is the eBay Find of the Week? I’m not exactly sure yet but I, as Official Finder Founder, have found the following find.

OK. Depending upon the application, I can actually understand that some people need a big SUV. Or maybe even a monster truck. Perhaps even a stretch limo. But a “Bigfoot” Ford Excursion stretch limo with an $89,000 starting bid? Boasting more than $30K in chrome alone (“E.T. chrome alone…” Oh, never mind.), this 2000 Excursion has been lavished with bling and pampered for only about 15,000 miles. Powered by a small nuclear reactor, the luxo-monster truck has been stretched 180 inches and lifted 20, passes New York State vehicle inspection as a bus, “rides perfect and smooth,” and comes complete with enough lighting gadgetry to effectively and productively illuminate a small yet densely populated town. I particularly admire the emergency escape hatch in the roof. Two questions for our engineers in the midst: a) Is this a good idea? b) Just how many wet bars are included in the term ‘all wet bars’?

A Promising Young Aerospace Engineer…

…was killed in a horrific car accident and arrived in heaven, protesting to St. Peter at the pearly gates. “St. Peter, I’m only 35. I’m much too young to die. I have a wonderful wife and family, so much to live for. Why in the world am I here?”

St. Peter looked through a huge stack of papers, looked over the top of his glasses and said, “Well, according to all of these hours on your time sheets, you’ve got to be at least 108.”

Dum and Dummer

The nation’s oldest independent boarding school, according to this article, is about to change its name from Governor Dummer Academy to The Governor’s Academy. The elite institution’s legal name will remain Governor Dummer Academy, so The Governor’s Academy is basically just a DBA title. Live-in students pay more than $33K a year in tuition, while day students get by with only $26K. Those figures are sure to rise, however, as some proud and dedicated alums such as Michael Smith, 1954, aren’t pleased with the change. ‘”Why give money to a school that has no respect for history?” asked Smith, a retired federal government official who lives in McLean, Va. Again, this is just too good for commentary.

“Ohhhhhhhh-klahoma…

…where the cat lived four weeks in the ‘fridge…”. In a shocking case of tough love, a four-year-old named Tyce put Louis the cat in the refrigerator “to keep him safe” and, well, forgot about him. Louis went into the icebox at about 10 lbs, and came out at about 3 lbs — stinking, thirsty, hungry and a bit moody. In a video accompanying the news byte, Tyce’s father commented about the quality of the cooling unit, “Well, I said, I think it might be a pretty good refrigerator, I said, if you can at least keep a cat fresh for four weeks.” Louis and family are apparently doing just fine, though the refrigerator requires the careful attention of a hazmat team.

OK, Last One. A Physician, a Civil Engineer and a Computer Scientist…

…were arguing about what was the oldest profession in the world.

The computer scientist leaned back in her chair, smiled, and then said confidently, “Ah, but who do you think created the chaos?”

Enjoy your weekend…