Gleaned from many months of ’round-the-clock efforts by a global staff of highly respected researchers, here is this week’s assortment of news and (hopefully) mood-lighteners. Oh, a couple of the items even relate to engineering.

Anyway, a Frenchman, and Englishman and a Texan Are Captured by Cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you and then use your skins to make a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.”

The Frenchman says, “I will take zee sword!” The chief gives him a sword. The Frenchman yells, “Viva la France!” and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, “A pistol for me, please!” The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it at his head, proclaims “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.

The Texan says, “Give me a fork.” The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The Texan takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over – the stomach, the chest, everywhere, making a bloody mess of himself.

Shocked, the chief screams at the Texan, “What are you doing?!” The Texan replies, “So much for your canoe!”

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New Zealand Election Goes to the Dogs

Toby the Jack Russell Terrier is now one of New Zealand’s 2.83 million registered voters. Toby’s owner, Peter Rhodes, filled-out a form in the dog’s name, included an age of 28, and listed the dog’s occupation as Rodent Exterminator. An aviation specialist, Rhodes was making fun of local government bureaucracy, never expecting to receive written confirmation of Toby’s voter registration. Electoral Enrollment Center manager Murray Wicks had no sense of humor at all, saying “It’s an offense, and whoever’s done it will be in the hands of the police.” Seems they also missed Toby’s paw print on the form.
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Engineers vs. Executives

Engineers vs. Executives Theorem: Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives.

Proof Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.

Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows, Work = Power/Time

Since Knowledge = Power, and Time = Money, we get Work = Knowledge/Money

Solving for money, we find Work = Money/Knowledge

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.

Conclusion: The Less you Know, the More you Make.
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Obi-Wan and Luke Do Chinese

Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi was exhausted after spending all morning teaching a young Luke Skywalker the ways of the Force. Obi-Wan decided to treat his student to lunch at his favorite Chinese restaurant, where they could eat and continue Luke’s studies.

Upon arriving, Obi-Wan ordered two bowls of hot and sour soup and sweet and sour chicken. The waiter brought the two Jedi their soup first. As Luke slurped up his soup spoonful after spoonful, Obi-Wan patiently continued Luke’s lessons in the ways of the Force. Between each spoonful, Luke nodded as he listened and understood his master’s teachings.

The waiter then brought the two Jedi their sweet and sour chicken. Obi-Wan continued teaching, but noticed that young Luke was distracted. Luke couldn’t seem to grasp how to use his chopsticks. Obi-Wan tried to proceed with his teaching, only to become frustrated as Luke continued to struggle, watching his food fall back onto his plate, onto the table or on the floor. The entire time, Luke completely ignored his Jedi teacher.

Finally, Obi-Wan couldn’t take it anymore. It was then that Obi-Wan told young Skywalker the most important lesson he would ever learn as a Jedi: “Use the forks, Luke! Use the forks!”
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Another Struggling Student

Osman Salah, 25, of Nashville, not only crashed his car during his driver’s license test, but in a strange twist of fate ran the car into Tennessee’s Rutherford County Driver’s License Station in Murfreesboro. “I remember telling him to stop as we pulled up to the building,” said driving test examiner Laurie Holden who’s served in that capacity for seven years. “The next thing I knew, it was raining bricks all around us.” Samah failed the test and will be eligible to retake it in 7 to 30 days. He could not be reached for comment.
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3 Metal Spheres

The Board of Trustees of a nearby university decided to test the professors to see if they really knew their stuff.

First, they put a math professor in a room. The room contains a table and three metal spheres about the size of softballs. They tell him to do whatever he wanted with the balls and the table. After an hour, he comes out and the Trustees look in and the balls are arranged in a triangle at the center of the table.

Next, they give the same test to a physics professor. After an hour, they look in, and the balls are stacked one on top of the other in the center of the table.

Finally, they give the test to an engineering professor. After an hour, they look in and one of the balls is broken, one is missing, and he’s carrying the third out in his lunchbox.
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Has Made in China Gone Too Far?

A [sic] rubber company in China has begun marketing condoms under the brand names Clinton and Lewinsky. A spokesperson for Guangzhou Rubber Group said the company was handing out 100,000 free Clinton and Lewinsky condoms as part of a promotion to raise consumer awareness of its new products. After the promotion ends, the Clinton condoms will go on sale in southern China for 29.8 Yuan ($3.72) for a box of 12, while the Lewinsky model will be priced at 18.8 Yuan ($2.35) for the same quantity. “The Clinton condom will be the top of our line,” he said. “The Lewinsky condom is not quite as good.”
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Sung to the Tune of The Beatles’ ‘Yesterday’

Yesterday
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly
There’s not half the files there used to be.
There’s a deadline hanging over me.
The system crashed, so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong,
What it was, I could not say.

Now, my data’s gone,
And I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday, the need for backups seemed so far away.
I thought my stuff was here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.
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Enjoy your weekend…