Here’s this week’s Bizarro World mix of All the News That’s Probably Not Fit to Print (along with some serious stuff)…

Sometimes, things are easy. Sometimes, an 80 year-old woman beats you with a wooden duck.
My Name’s Earl

Thelma Tillery promised her grandson that she would skydive upon turning a young 85 years of age. She kept her promise, parachuting tandem-style at a local skydiving center. “Everything worked, and I hit the ground running,” Tillery said. “And that’s about as good as you can get, I guess.” She even recommends the experience, saying “I’d do it again—not tomorrow—but it’s not something I would hesitate to do again.” Way to go, Thelma.
_________________________________________________________________

If you had access to a car like this, would you take it home right away? Neither would I.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Winning this week’s Whoops Award is a 20 year-old guy in Toronto who took a C$44,000 Lexus for a 120-mph test drive with his girlfriend in the car, attempted to evade the police, and returned the vehicle to the wrong dealership. “The officers were on the side of the road and turned on their lights and he didn’t even slow down,” Ontario Provincial Police Constable Eric Booth said. He was charged with speeding, though I’m sure he could’ve done a heck of a lot better than 120.

‘Sexy But a Little Weird’ is how CNN describes the new Mercedes CLS. Sorry, Nissan…The CLS is clearly THE four-door sports car, with the AMG CLS55 version packing 469 supercharged horsepower in a to-die-for styling statement. CNN applauds the car’s power and handling, while criticizing ‘back-seat access issues’ and controls that ‘are as clear as a triple-thick milkshake.’ Um, you’re missing the point, CNN. If you’re ready to spend 90-large for Simply The Best Luxury Performance Sedan, passengers in the back can crouch—and the only control that matters is the Loud pedal. Sexy but a little weird can be an exceedingly good thing.
_________________________________________________________________

That’s as grizzly looking an object as I’ve ever seen.
Groucho Marx, A Night at the Opera

According to this article in the Chicago Sun-Times, Chicago cab drivers are demanding a $1 surcharge to offset high fuel costs. Makes sense so far. Enter Finance Committee Chairman Edward M. Burke of the city council. Burke wants something in return for that extra buck: a dress code. Shorts, tank tops, and sandals are out. Burke’s specific in what he wants: a uniform consisting of a ‘”short- or long-sleeved, collared white shirt with a badge that clearly and conspicuously displays” the driver’s name and company logo, along with “slacks, socks and matching shoes that are either khaki, navy blue or black.” No cap is required because, as Burke put it, “We don’t want to get involved in any religious debates.”‘ How about dropping the uniform idea and instead require something valuable like flipping-on the a/c in hot weather?
_________________________________________________________________

Brilliant people often have the most persuasive demons.
I, Robot

Apparently moving intelligence technology out of their own labs, the FBI and the Pentagon’s Defense Intelligence Agency are beginning to invest in entrepreneurial U.S. tech start-up companies. Moving technology investments through a venture capital firm called In-Q-Tel, the FBI and DIA are following in the successful footsteps of the CIA, ‘which has deployed roughly 100 new technologies through its In-Q-Tel partnership for its analysts and spies.’ According to this article in The Wall Street Journal, ‘…the CIA, FBI and DIA are expected to commit about $65 million this year to In-Q-Tel, says its president, Gilman Louie, a former videogame entrepreneur and Hasbro Inc. executive.’ Potentially unifying the spooks (Wasn’t that the intention of Homeland Security?), Louie says “If the FBI wants a particular technology, it might try to lobby other agencies to put some of their money into play as well.” Great. Make it so.
_________________________________________________________________

I’ve never felt so much tension. It’s like riding a psychotic horse towards a burning stable.
Robin Williams, The Bird Cage

Enacting a scene from My Big Fat White Plains, New York Wedding, ‘A groom spent his wedding night in jail with his father, his brother his father-in-law and seven other members of his wedding party after the group allegedly brawled with another bridal party and police.’ According to the article on Yahoo News, the altercation began with a case of mistaken identity. White Plains Police spokesman Martin Gleeson told a local paper, “We believe the event may have been alcohol-driven.” The eleven suspects were charged with resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and first-degree riot—and released on bail. Can’t you just feel the love?
_________________________________________________________________

If you’ve never seen an elephant ski, then you’ve never been on acid.
Eddie Izzard

‘A 16,000-pound treadmill specifically built to exercise Maggie the elephant arrived at the Alaska Zoo, but the question remains: Just how do you get a more than 4-ton animal fighting the battle of the bulge to use a treadmill?’ According to this article in USA Today’s Science and Space department (Nice editorial slotting there, folks.), ‘ Maggie tipped the scales at 9,120 pounds, about 1,000 pounds overweight.’ With her makeover plan, it’s estimated that ‘even without the benefit of the treadmill — she’s lost roughly 900 pounds.’ Conveyor Engineering deserves kudos for the 20-foot-long by 8-foot-wide treadmill. But if mega-Maggie is only about 100 lbs away from her Little Black Dress, why does she get a gargantuan, custom-designed and –built treadmill? Maybe it’s her ‘tendency toward irritability.’
_________________________________________________________________

To Much More Important Things…

Following are links to a couple of excellent lists of agencies (with phone numbers) seeking donations and volunteers in the Hurricane Katrina disaster relief effort, with special thanks to the Chicago Sun-Times and The Wall Street Journal:

Hurricane Katrina: How to Help (Chicago Sun-Times)

Hurricane Katrina: Where to Donate (The Wall Street Journal)